Presidential Debate: The Vital Recaps

So I realize that I'm not always the most tuned into political details or the latest polls or who was wearing what lapel pin last Wednesday. But I do pride myself on picking apart what the candidates are REALLY doing/saying- their human qualities, if you will. Here are the top 31 points that I got out of tonight's second presidential debate.

1. Did anyone else see McCain’s awkward wave/smile/grimace as he entered the stage? It reminded me of pictures of myself from 6th grade. Yes, it was that painful.
2. I know he’s supposed to remind me of my granddad, but if McCain calls me his “friend” one more time I’m going to puke.
3. No Obama, you can’t say something else. NO. No…stop it!
4. I’m pretty sure McCain’s elbow doesn’t bend, but I also don’t want him to try too hard, lose balance, fall down, break a hip, and send a bone fragment through his congested veins all the way to his heart where the 72-year-old muscle just. can’t. take it.
5. Senator McCain, there is a reason that you are in one of the most humorless professions available to Americans. Your jokes make me feel awkward (not you, Tom…. AWKWARD.)
6. Some of the funniest looking people I’ve ever seen are sitting in the audience of this debate.
7. Obama, it’s so great to know that your priority order for energy, health care and entitlements is 1. Energy, 2. Health Care, 3. Education.
8. Thank God Sen. McCain can pronounce “nuclear”, too bad he doesn’t think nuclear energy is dangerous. Oh wait he had nuclear energy on his ship, that’s totally the same.
9. Obama you look like you’re about ready to fall off your chair. Sit up, sit back, do something about that sit-uation.
10. Wow, I’m pretty sure McCain won’t get away with calling Obama “that one”. Is he a chimp? A candy bar in a vending machine? Love to see what the press does with that tomorrow.
11. The audience consists of about 37 bald white men, 4 young black individuals, and a boy who looks like he is about 12 years old. I’m really trying to make less of a comment about the racial or age discrepancy and more of a comment about the untapped market in townhall undecided male voters' hair re-growth strategies.
12. The words that Tom Brokaw is most sick of saying: “Senator…Senator…Senator, we agreed on rules for this!”
13. Did McCain just call American goodness our “sweetest treasure”? Oops, did he just call our number one asset “American blood”? Too many jokes, it’s a toss up.
14. Seriously McCain, stop saying “my friends.” It’s like all your cronies in big oil are off somewhere playing a drinking game. Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, stop saying “cronies.”
15. Why does the way that Obama says “Taliban” and “Pakistan” make me think of “come mister tally man, tally me bananas” which, clearly, makes me think of Reading Rainbow and LeVar Burton which, again clearly, makes me wonder if it’s a coincidence that my two favorite African American role models are connected so concretely.
16. Wow, I think Obama just promised America that we will kill bin Laden.
17. I still can’t believe the near-tangible intellect gap that exists between Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin. However, let’s not jump to confuse intellect with good sense.
18. I’m so impressed by how many foreign leaders’ names you both know. You could probably say President MooShooPork of Peru and I would believe you. However, I think you’re making a crucial error by forgetting the simple fact that, to identify with the American public you’re going to need to forget how to locate Iran on a world map.
19. Funny, despite McCain staring dreamily into the eyes of Vladimir Putin and Palin's Alaska sharing a slim maritime border with Russia, I’m still not buying their foreign policy strategy.
20. Darn straight Mr. Obama, we wouldn’t want those silly Russians “makin’ any mischief!” gosh darn it.
21. McCain, stop touching that poor formal naval officer! Hands off the audience! Protect the 12-year-old boys!
22. You know you’ve lost interest in what the candidate is saying when you’re less distracted by policy in Iraq and more distracted by the flashing “Decision 08” logo in the corner of the screen. "He said, she said, she said, that one said..."
23. Thank goodness McCain is not wearing his solid- navy suit. His fashion advisor must have finally woken up from his 15 year coma. No really, I’m trying to be positive here.
24. Ooh! I’m pretty sure I’ve spotted both Harry Potter and Tony Soprano in the audience!
25. Thank you Peggy from New Hampshire for the first interesting “zen” question of the evening! Thank you candidates for NOT ANSWERING IT AT ALL. (What I don’t know is what all of us don’t know doesn’t count.) What a disappointment.
26. Obama’s “extraordinary journey that we call America” may belong more in one of those highly anticipated but in fact greatly disappointing cheesy Disney and Ford sponsored fairy tale theme park rides where you get on thinking you’re going to corkscrew and fly over death-defying cliffs but you actually sit in a car with a lap bar that only reaches to the top of the fat man’s thighs sitting beside you and drive around at 2mph in a loop looking at American memorabilia while the voice of Andy Griffith guides you through a not altogether comprehensive or accurate history of the United States. Eh, it has potential. They could make it up to you with a cool Hannah Montana exhibit at the end and a pretty classy gift shop.
27. The straight talk express has lost a wheel! Clever jab! All I could think of when I heard this was the poor 6 or 7 unpaid Campaign for Change interns who probably sat around at 2am with a pitcher full of hopes and dreams, coming up with hip witticisms to spit at John McCain.
28. I’m really glad both candidates got all their touchy-feely family stories in there at the end- I was worried I wouldn’t get my daily quota of dead family members and single mothers! My voting strategy is heavily dependent on whose cancer/war/crappy childhood stories are the most inspiring so this is actually pretty important.
29. Is anyone else concerned about how McCain referred to his life in the past tense?
30. So it seems that the “town hall” format is really a euphemism for “we’ll let a few diverse Americans ask rehearsed questions to which the candidates can respond with prepared talking points at which point the interaction with said Americans will be over. Thanks for coming, here’s a disposable camera.”
31. You both did an impressive job but if I had to pick a winner, it would still be Tom Brokaw. What a hunk.
32. What? You’re telling me that the NEXT debate is focused on economic issues??