Aaron Hale...and why you should keep your kids away from him

So we went to the Denver Zoo yesterday. YES! One of my favorite places ever, right? Right. But yesterday it was cruelly desecrated by my good friend Aaron Hale. Aaron Hale- the Great Egyptian Zoo-Ruiner. Now I still had an excellent time at the zoo, minus 1 creepy man inside Tropical Discovery, a boring Tiger feeding, and a dangerously close run-in with a co-dependent squirrel harboring an unnatural attraction to Cheetos. But Aaron has to be the worst possible role model for your children, ladies and gents. He climbed on the fences and ancient metal oxen (from pioneer times- right Connor?) that had clearly marked "no climbing" signs on them- that was transgression number 1. Number 2 involves some rather questionable language- and as we all know, kids are like super-absorbant Spongebobs. (The phrase has been altered a little to reflect modern Nickelodeon trends). To name a third transgression against what I still maintain to be the innate goodness of mankind, Aaron takes the liberty to spout his thoughts about each exhibit aloud to all who care to listen (or who happen to be standing in a 50 foot radius). Upon an innocent member of our party questioning thoughtlessly, "why is the camel lying like that?" Aaron replies loudly, "he's probably DEAD". Though the camel's uncomfortable position was, indeed, a sad sight to see, it didn't even to begin to compare with the mix of horror and trauma that etched itself on the face of the 5 or 6-year-old blonde boy that turned to look at us. I felt really bad for him, and even worse for his mother standing shocked nearby- have you seen the prices for children's therapy these days? Steep.

Then follows a 4th misdemeanor of leaning over the cage railings- which is just plain dangerous. Who would put their life savings on the bet that a rhinoceros can't jump a 7 foot trough? Not me for sure. Plus, I'll need that 20 bucks some day. Next to general (suspectedly terrorist) silliness, Aaron committed only one more ruthless transgression on this sad, sad day for zoos everywhere. And this one is more shocking than any of the rest! Upon learning that we only had an hour left in the zoo, Aaron got a bit impatient with the rest of us. We stopped to observe an outstandingly beautiful free-roaming creature of the Denver Zoo. It is so rare and unique that we were taken aback by its innocent and captivating charm.

To this delay, Aaron said in a tone which would freeze the hearts of angels, "SCREW YOU BABY PEACOCK!" If there is one reasont that someone does not make it into Heaven, then that is surely it. Kudos, Aaron Hale.

But, overall, an awesome day with the animals. Here's to 'the usual suspects'!