Kids Pick the President

Thanks to one Mr. Carpenter, I discovered the delight of the message boards posted on Nickelodean's "Kids Pick the President" polling place. Good gracious it reminded me of why there is a legal voting age! I've selected a handful (or 5) of my favorite, most ignorant, most hilarious messages posted by kids! For your enjoyment...

McCAIN!!
He is not TOO OLD. If you look it up men would die around their 80's.

Obama CANNOT lower gas princes they go up or down on their own.
The gas prices go UP if WE use TOO MUCH.
It depends on how much gas we have.
McCAIN will actually keep the tax prices the same for RICHER PEOPLE. and lower for the LOWER CLASS PEOPLE.

John mccain is to old how is he suposesd to think of the futer when he aint gonna be here

she has no clue how to run a country obamba does (*obamba! I love it! It sounds like a Latin dance!)

Sarah Palin is awesome and soooo ready to be in office..

i agree creationism is sooo important!!! not evolution thts just not right!
McCain-Palin '08

Sarah Palin is not creppy, she is the coolest person ever. And i think every one should vote for Mccain -Palin

WHAT IS ONE THING OBAMA WANTS TO DO GOOD FOR THIS COUNTRY...UM WHAT MAKE IT SOCIALIST OR MAYBE EVEN COMMUNIST. O and how will pulling out of the war right away gonna help us...um it will make us look weak and if u didnt just listen to the liberal media ppl would see that we r actually helping over there and we should just finish it and make them completely stable. O and obama has never done one good thing while in an office he just lies constantly like half the stuff he says is lies (*I have to say I'm impressed by the number of 4th graders that seem to know ALL about socialism! And we should just make Iraq stable- duh!)

the polls aren't counting absentee ballots.... SO GO MCCAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dont watch CNN its completely biased.
You need to watch all different news channels.
Fox News Channel is actually the most fair news channel and they tell it how it is.

both candidates are good choices but i truly believe mccain would help the war in iraq AND the economy. i watched the debates and i am staying with my man. mccain to save america!! and by the way mccain is not like bush. bush wasn't even that bad in the first place. (*yikes!)

3 reasons u souldnt vote 4 john mccain and sarah palin:
1.He wants 2 take gas prices up
2.He going 2 make the world bad to live in
3.They want 2 take over the whole world
If u vote 4 mccain then thats u but vote for obama
if u want a change cause we need a change

I do not agree with you nybaby31. I think that McCain would help students, like me, earn a better education. I'm not that good in school, and I think that if McCain wins the election, then he will help students learn better.

Yea and why is Obama good for president? Like the other user said Obama wants to give money to the poor... that means for people who earn their money it is all going to be given away to people holding up signs and faking diseases! GO JOHN MCCAIN AND SARAH PALIN!!

I completely disagree when you said Bush was a bad president. Because it's not his fault bad things happened when he was in office.On 911 it was the terrorists! Bush didn't have anything to do with it!!!!!!! (*you're right...Bush did not steer a plane into the WTC. And the next 7 years went peachy)

Obama's taxing the rich is going to drive their money into other countries pockets!!!

My Bible teacher is also a High School debate teacher and he has said that McCain has won every debate so far.

Obama has way more experience. Sarah Palin is just some person from Alaska. Being the govoner of alaska is not a hard job. Have you heard of one problem coming from Alaska? It's not that being a regular person is bad, it's just do you really want someone like that running the country? I want someone smarter then me running this country! *CoughsomeonewhowenttoHarvardwouldbenicecough* (*Coughibetbeinggovernorofalaskaisstillharderthanbeinginthe7thgrade*)

PERSONALLY,
i believe that McCain's war experience is very interesting, but IDONT THINK I WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS BEEN A PRISONER OF WAR THAT LONG TO RUN MY COUNTRY,i mean thats gotta mess with somebody's mind. I JUST DONT WANT TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO MCCAINS ANNOYING REPUBLICAN VOICE EVERYDAY

Palin is the governor of Alaska, she has more responsibilities then Obama, who was just a senator.

Dude you need to know that mccain is not gonna die that quick his mom is 96 and hes probably gonna live that long too and palin has great ideas if you actually listen to a speech and not just listen to all the news that hate palin listen to the news watch hannity and colmes Hannity will actually tell you the truth and Obama is inexperiensed he doesnt know whats going on in the usa and the worst thing obama has done is that he is friends with terrorists and hes going to take are troops out of iraq and if you think that is fine lets watch your place get bombed...........( no offense )

It's funny that proof shows Biden has been wrong at least 94% of the time he has voted! (*He didn't vote yay or nay- he voted WRONG!!)

mCCAIN IS A SHOOTING STAR! (*that explains a lot of things)

And yes, I am also a Obama voter, but very slightly, because no offence, but mcain would be just as good as my 14-year old brother for president who sits in class all day making deathlists!

Not to offend anyone,I think Pailin is a better choice because she has spunk and she is not affraid of a fight.I have nothing agenst Joe, I just beleve that The United States of America needs spunk and something new. (*list of American wants: 1) stable economy, 2) accessible health care, 3) spunk)

sarah palin isn't just a hockey mom, she stopped the bridge to nowhere!

What's so wrong with Palin? She ran alaska, AKA the BIGGEST state in America. She could run this United states very nicely. And just because her son or whoever played hockey that makes her bad??

Obama had all these people and he picked Joe Biden, that's like going in Baskin Robins and orfering vanilla.

the only thing i don't like about biden is that he wants to add an extra 4 years of schooling, because i don't want to be in school when i am 20 years old (*yeah, 20 is so old and totally not an appropriate age to be in school!)

i personally think that not only would obama DESTROY the economy but that he is also a terrorist !!!! i think that his mother was sent to america so obama would be born here and be raised to be a president when he becomes older and DESTROy america!!!!... think about it long and hard before judging me... how about his father... HES A TERRORIST! thats their plan all along. WE NEED TO SAVE AMERICA!!

If we had a third party then what would it stand for? I think the two parties we have now cover the two opposite sides pretty well. PS: I'm a REPUBLICAN!

You don't need experiance to run the United States. What you do need to have is knowladge, but not just any knowledge you have to haave knowledge about the issues and the people, not how to find more gas. (*this one was news to me!)

Honistly bush never did anything. People say he sent us to war, wrong. Te goverment has the power to send us to war, the president doesn't. Taxes Aren't Raised becuase of the president, the goverment does it. none of this was bush's fualt, or many other residents' either.

clinton was president 8 years ago and he could have made changes and just to let you know he has been doing major scandals that hurt the us

If people want to be angry about the war. Be angry at congress because the president loses that battle. Congress declares war. The president just announces it really.

obama isnt the right choice
millions of people die in iraq
but im sure they died happily
because they were fighting for the USA,
for fredom!

My parents want McCain. As they say, you grow by your parents footsteps. they have voted a lot and I know its KIDS pick the president but I am just going in my parents footsteps. I REALLY FEEL SORRY THOUGH! (*that's probably the scariest one of all!)

For all we know, both of them could be lying to all of us. Don't lose faith, though.

After Work Pick-Me-Up

Step aside texters, talkers, eaters and shavers. Bow down singers, readers, dressers and dog-cradlers. I no longer care if you can put on make-up or peel an orange or curl ribbons while you drive. Yesterday as I drove home from work, a man in the car behind me was full-out PLAYING THE HARMONICA behind the wheel. That takes two hands, people. You brag about hands-free cell phone calls? Let's talk about hands-free DRIVING.

Harmonica. The distractor of champions.

Presidential Debate: The Vital Recaps

So I realize that I'm not always the most tuned into political details or the latest polls or who was wearing what lapel pin last Wednesday. But I do pride myself on picking apart what the candidates are REALLY doing/saying- their human qualities, if you will. Here are the top 31 points that I got out of tonight's second presidential debate.

1. Did anyone else see McCain’s awkward wave/smile/grimace as he entered the stage? It reminded me of pictures of myself from 6th grade. Yes, it was that painful.
2. I know he’s supposed to remind me of my granddad, but if McCain calls me his “friend” one more time I’m going to puke.
3. No Obama, you can’t say something else. NO. No…stop it!
4. I’m pretty sure McCain’s elbow doesn’t bend, but I also don’t want him to try too hard, lose balance, fall down, break a hip, and send a bone fragment through his congested veins all the way to his heart where the 72-year-old muscle just. can’t. take it.
5. Senator McCain, there is a reason that you are in one of the most humorless professions available to Americans. Your jokes make me feel awkward (not you, Tom…. AWKWARD.)
6. Some of the funniest looking people I’ve ever seen are sitting in the audience of this debate.
7. Obama, it’s so great to know that your priority order for energy, health care and entitlements is 1. Energy, 2. Health Care, 3. Education.
8. Thank God Sen. McCain can pronounce “nuclear”, too bad he doesn’t think nuclear energy is dangerous. Oh wait he had nuclear energy on his ship, that’s totally the same.
9. Obama you look like you’re about ready to fall off your chair. Sit up, sit back, do something about that sit-uation.
10. Wow, I’m pretty sure McCain won’t get away with calling Obama “that one”. Is he a chimp? A candy bar in a vending machine? Love to see what the press does with that tomorrow.
11. The audience consists of about 37 bald white men, 4 young black individuals, and a boy who looks like he is about 12 years old. I’m really trying to make less of a comment about the racial or age discrepancy and more of a comment about the untapped market in townhall undecided male voters' hair re-growth strategies.
12. The words that Tom Brokaw is most sick of saying: “Senator…Senator…Senator, we agreed on rules for this!”
13. Did McCain just call American goodness our “sweetest treasure”? Oops, did he just call our number one asset “American blood”? Too many jokes, it’s a toss up.
14. Seriously McCain, stop saying “my friends.” It’s like all your cronies in big oil are off somewhere playing a drinking game. Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, stop saying “cronies.”
15. Why does the way that Obama says “Taliban” and “Pakistan” make me think of “come mister tally man, tally me bananas” which, clearly, makes me think of Reading Rainbow and LeVar Burton which, again clearly, makes me wonder if it’s a coincidence that my two favorite African American role models are connected so concretely.
16. Wow, I think Obama just promised America that we will kill bin Laden.
17. I still can’t believe the near-tangible intellect gap that exists between Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin. However, let’s not jump to confuse intellect with good sense.
18. I’m so impressed by how many foreign leaders’ names you both know. You could probably say President MooShooPork of Peru and I would believe you. However, I think you’re making a crucial error by forgetting the simple fact that, to identify with the American public you’re going to need to forget how to locate Iran on a world map.
19. Funny, despite McCain staring dreamily into the eyes of Vladimir Putin and Palin's Alaska sharing a slim maritime border with Russia, I’m still not buying their foreign policy strategy.
20. Darn straight Mr. Obama, we wouldn’t want those silly Russians “makin’ any mischief!” gosh darn it.
21. McCain, stop touching that poor formal naval officer! Hands off the audience! Protect the 12-year-old boys!
22. You know you’ve lost interest in what the candidate is saying when you’re less distracted by policy in Iraq and more distracted by the flashing “Decision 08” logo in the corner of the screen. "He said, she said, she said, that one said..."
23. Thank goodness McCain is not wearing his solid- navy suit. His fashion advisor must have finally woken up from his 15 year coma. No really, I’m trying to be positive here.
24. Ooh! I’m pretty sure I’ve spotted both Harry Potter and Tony Soprano in the audience!
25. Thank you Peggy from New Hampshire for the first interesting “zen” question of the evening! Thank you candidates for NOT ANSWERING IT AT ALL. (What I don’t know is what all of us don’t know doesn’t count.) What a disappointment.
26. Obama’s “extraordinary journey that we call America” may belong more in one of those highly anticipated but in fact greatly disappointing cheesy Disney and Ford sponsored fairy tale theme park rides where you get on thinking you’re going to corkscrew and fly over death-defying cliffs but you actually sit in a car with a lap bar that only reaches to the top of the fat man’s thighs sitting beside you and drive around at 2mph in a loop looking at American memorabilia while the voice of Andy Griffith guides you through a not altogether comprehensive or accurate history of the United States. Eh, it has potential. They could make it up to you with a cool Hannah Montana exhibit at the end and a pretty classy gift shop.
27. The straight talk express has lost a wheel! Clever jab! All I could think of when I heard this was the poor 6 or 7 unpaid Campaign for Change interns who probably sat around at 2am with a pitcher full of hopes and dreams, coming up with hip witticisms to spit at John McCain.
28. I’m really glad both candidates got all their touchy-feely family stories in there at the end- I was worried I wouldn’t get my daily quota of dead family members and single mothers! My voting strategy is heavily dependent on whose cancer/war/crappy childhood stories are the most inspiring so this is actually pretty important.
29. Is anyone else concerned about how McCain referred to his life in the past tense?
30. So it seems that the “town hall” format is really a euphemism for “we’ll let a few diverse Americans ask rehearsed questions to which the candidates can respond with prepared talking points at which point the interaction with said Americans will be over. Thanks for coming, here’s a disposable camera.”
31. You both did an impressive job but if I had to pick a winner, it would still be Tom Brokaw. What a hunk.
32. What? You’re telling me that the NEXT debate is focused on economic issues??

What I Learned from the Vice Presidential Debate

Republicans still can't pronounce "nuclear" and Democrats have embraced the mysterious and elusive "Bosniacs".

I remembered!

I was distracted by the differences between Mr. Leno and I when it was our one similarity that I wanted to concern myself with. We both love a good stupid criminal story. And, I have two!

1. "Woman in Cow Suit Arrested"- you know a story is truly newsworthy if it requires a headline like that. I'll let the story speak for itself:

"Middletown police say Michelle Allen, 32, was charged with disorderly conduct on Sept. 27 after she was caught impeding traffic and chasing children. Metro.co.uk reports that Allen had been hired to wear the costume to advertise for a local "haunted trail" theme park, but left the job to go on a drinking binge."

I mean, there are worse things to be wearing in your mug shot but well, actually, no there aren't. And wow that is a really horrid costume. All I can say is that, if the kids aren't scared by the "haunted trails", they'll certainly be haunted by the memory of an oversized woman in tattered bovine outfit stumbling as she chases after them down the street. If you think the story ends well you can judge for yourself- she is caught urinating in a neighbor's garden. Turns out she's been arrested 50 times before- for robbery and prostitution! She's going to be fun in jail. Don't worry, she's from Ohio- they tend to keep their crazy pretty contained.

2. I'll keep this one short. James Coldwell, 49, decided (over a cup of coffee, according to the apparently quite thorough Manchester, NH police department) that it would be a grand idea to rob a bank... while disguised as a tree. Yes, this idea seems quite logical until you consider the, well, the logic. You can use ANYthing to hide your identity- some old classics like masks and baseball caps come to mind. A tree stealing money is still a tree stealing money! Albeit absurd. Furthermore, if you're going to use a creative disguise, you have to do more than James who "duct taped sparse foliage to his body". Not only does he get on video but YOU CAN SEE HIS FACE. Idiot.

I'll let you all figure out which picture is which.

Jay Leno

Jay Leno is a 58-year-old, famous, wealthy man with grey hair absurdly intersected by a strip of black the only conceivable purpose of which could be that it serves as a rudimentary compass, always pointing toward the north star while Grandpa Leno drives around West Hollywood on one of his antique motorcyles, gabbing it up on his cell with manpanion Terry Bradshaw. I am 22, strawberry blonde, and the closest I've come to famous is a toss up between having a poorly written article about me featured in the hard-hitting Littleton Independent and giving a presentation on the conical cleavage of sand dollar eggs to one of the country's top cellular biologists (who was maybe 85 and asleep in the back of the room). Take your pick. What's my point? Jay Leno and I are nothing alike. Ahem.....soooo, what's my point? Actually I sorta forgot but when I remember I'll post it right after this.

Talk about anti-climax.