Mentor Becomes the Manatee

Long story short, I attempted to prank Jeff by inserting about 15 air fresheners of strong and varied putrid smells in difficult-to-find places around his cubicle. This was a Thursday. He did not show up. I blame my own blind faith in his Outlook calendar. Jolene complained of the smell (whiny jerk). I took them all out at great physical risk to myself (VERY difficult places…) and put them in a Ziploc bag and into another plastic bag in my bottom drawer. I later replaced 3 or 4 pleasantly pine scented fresheners in his filing cabinet, which turned out to be a splendid idea (you’re welcome, Jeff). This is all several weeks ago now. Well, I am not the least lazy person on the planet. The others are still in my bottom drawer and the sickening odor (mmmmm…pine forest + tropical rain + cinna-berry) hits me like a cloud of gaseous vomit every time I open the drawer to get my purse out. I think at this point I’m less disgusted at the actual smell and more disgusted at the fact that, apparently, I’ve pranked myself.

"Hey Laserlips- Your Mother was a Snowblower!"

Oh c'mon, Short Circuit anyone? Johnny 5 is alive?? Well, on with it then:

Somehow I always pick to shovel my driveway at the EXACT time as my neighbor, I do not know how this happens. WELL. He has a giant fancy snowblower. During our previous snowy encounter, these were his words: "They've gotcha working hard I see, that seems like it would hurt your back!" Thanks, genius. This brings us to today...

I'm freezing hard and shoveling my butt off (switch that, or don't) and this neighbor brings his machine part-way into our gutter. I think great, with one swoop he can get all the slush from the gutter that is so heavy! Well he pushes the machine halfway across and then yells, over the noise, "why aren't you using a snowblower?" A couple of excuses sprung to mind, along the lines of "I like the exercise", "hard labor is a good change", and "shovels make more effective projectile weapons" but I just smiled and shrugged. (Obviously in one of my more clever moods) Refusing to let it go, he shouts again "I know he (my dad) has one- I gave it to him!" In truth, I'm not sure this snowblower has ever been operational. I made up a quick lie about not knowing how to use it and watched my neighbor move on (without blowing out the rest of the slush even though it would've taken 6.7 seconds but I'm not bitter about it).

I really loathe snowblowers. I also maintain the right to take that statement back with little to no guilt if I ever have a driveway of my own in a snowy place. In more entertaining news, I was actually quite enjoying myself while shoveling, thanks to my iPod. Though, at one point an older couple was walking by, taking a little snow-day walk I suppose (awww) and I’m busting out the words to "I Believe in a Thing Called Love" by The Darkness. They looked a little shocked and, well, I guess this story is funnier if you know the lyrics. Whatever, they’re probably out there somewhere blogging about the so-cool girl shoveling her driveway and singing this morning. "She was a delightful--and talented--young lady", they’ll say. It’s okay, the world is my fantasy world.

Life Happenings

So, rather than make a blase (add an accent and that's a real word I swear) attempt at a real blog entry (writing in sentences- ick!) I figured I would just bullet out a few fun things that have happened recently. You know, finding the funny in the blah and the sad.

-Shanna and I, attending the DI appraisers training at South HS a few weekends ago, were approached by a stern looking teacher who asked us if we were there for "Saturday School". Not only do we look young, we look delinquent! Excellent!

-My gas light came on last Thursday. It's Monday. The crazier thing is, every time I've passed a gas station over the last several days it's been like "nahhh, she can make it." She can make it till when?? I actually drove all the way to work today despite the completely credible threat that my car might run out of gas, all because I convinced myself it was worth the potential walk to fill up for $0.02 cheaper on Broadway. Then I realized, this is my desperate suburban attempt to live on the edge...tragic.

-Today I finished filling up my tank with gas (sigh...) and had climbed inside the car when a blind guy comes out of friggin' nowhere- NOWHERE- and walks dead into my car. I quickly turn the car off so he doesn't freak out or something and then he reaches out his stick and, in his attempts to find his way around, manages to give my car a few solid whacks before doing a 180 and walking off. He looked a little lost so I got out of my car ready to put my "how to approach a blind person" training to good use (and to think I went to the seminar just for the ice cream! That doesn't sound like me!). As soon as I got close enough to talk to him though, he took a good swing at me with his stick and took off down Littleton Blvd. Spooky.

-Also at the gas station (wow, eventful stop!) a girl on the other side of my pump filled her tank up with the car...running. Wha??! I made a point of wandering around the opposite side of the station and occasionally throwing her glances with a combination of judgment/worry/areyouafrickinmoronyou'reabouttoblowupyourdaddy'snicelittlecar.

-I can always count on the elliptical machine in my basement for some good times. I lost my step while running one morning (apparently I run like a Clydesdale...) and set off a whole chain of events. In trying to save my book, which fell anyway, I knocked over my glass of water, which sits on a stack of plastic drawers. As the glass flies, it's as if I see myself in clumsy slow motion- my left foot stepping through the elliptical, scraping my leg all the way down, my sadly uninformed arm flailing out to the side and sending the stack of drawers crumbling forward. Half the drawers were stopped by our strategically placed foosball table (strategically = in the middle of everything and entirely in the way) which had plenty more things, not excluding less than 3 more cups of water, just begging to be catapulted all over the room. By the time the dust settled, it's almost as if my brain immediately knew to repress the bad memory (it had a lot of practice from middle school) because I found myself sprawled on the floor with a sharp pain in my leg, covered in water, and very confused. You just don't recover from that.

-I took my dog on a walk to the river because it was a pretty nice day- 45 but sunny. Though, as we passed through the country club houses, things got weird. One had a Palin 2012 sign out. One had boulder in the front yard so giant that it created an eclipse with the sun. A kid was playing catch with himself (literally playing both sides), and I found like 3 pairs of gardening gloves just up for grabs along different parts of the street. Most peculiar, there was a giant, topless man sprawled out in a lawn chair in the middle of his driveway holding a beer and humming "Born to Run". 45 degrees! He waved- nice guy.

-After something like 2 grueling weeks of learning the guitar- wow, I'm really good- I wrote my first song... IN MY DREAM! I only used the 7 or 8 chords that I know in real life and all I remember is that the words included "drool", "sunset", "petticoat", and "whores". I figure my subconscious isn't any worse off than your average drugged up rock star.

-Later that same night I had a dream about surprisingly irritable two-headed peacocks and getting my photo taken with Clint Eastwood. I'm starting to wonder about my vitamins...

How Stuff Works- really!

So I'm a big dork and, subsequently, a big fan of howstuffworks.com. I'll admit however that I'm much more accustomed to seeing daily articles about "How Wingsuit Flying Works", "How an EPIRB Distress Radio Works", or "How Hallucinogenic Frogs Work" than some featured recently....like "How Death Works". Really?

Even more intriguing was their attempt at "How Women Work". I'll be the first to tell you that it is not light reading to learn how it's going to feel to separate your soul from your body. It was interesting to learn why my fellow females and I experience "emotional distress" and desire to look like Barbie dolls. Hmmmmmm...

My Path to Enlightenment

A couple of words about the Yoga classes that Shanna, Heather and I tried out for 10 days.

1.Hot Yoga is hot- like sweat pouring off of your body so quickly that if it wasn’t rolling from your forehead into your eyes it might be easy to assume you were wetting yourself quite terribly kind of hot.

2.When you’re trying to sink into obscurity in the back of the room you should know that the mirrors are at the front of the room. Ohhhhhhhhh.

3.No matter how confidently and soothingly the instructor says things like “in this pose, the blood is pooling in your abdomen” or “by twisting you are rinsing the toxins out of your spine” or “feel the stretch through every organ” they are still clearly and categorically lying to you. (Did any of those sound comforting to you anyway??) Sure, sure, it’s all “mental” but I can guarantee you that, in cases of blood pooling, spine toxins, and organ stretching…biology wins.

4.This goes out to the rather attractive 30-something man that could balance his whole body, to the side of him, on one arm with his legs contorted into an incredibly inhuman position—you are amazing.

5.This goes out to the instructor that tried to push on my sweaty back to help straighten one of my postures—stop touching me.

6.Yoga in the dark = very soothing exercise (and no one can see that you’re a beginner!). Even better is Yoga in the dark with a mix tape in the background, filled with inspiring music that, in combo with your ridiculous poses, makes you feel like you’re in some sort of crazy drama/action adventure film! Am I in “low cobra” or am I Tom Cruise, avoiding floor motion detectors in Mission Impossible? Am I in “half warrior” or am I bracing for battle in Pirates of the Caribbean? Am I a “camel” or am I Tim Robbins soaking in the freedom of the rain in Shawshank Redemption?? Reality was blurred, you get my point.

7.Finally, and most importantly, thank goodness for child’s pose.

Birds

As I was driving home I saw a huge V of birds flying due west and I thought, maybe someone should tell them they're going the wrong way. And then I thought, the only great things about birds are 1) their amazingly innate sense of migratory direction and 2) once a year, they leave. I think they can probably handle it.

Facebook Ads

As part of my long-running personal history of extending more of my precious curiosity to concern myself with the ads, layout, and peculiarities of a website than its actual content, my eyes drifted to the Facebook Ads on my friend's page today. I really have nothing of note to say except the three ads were for the following: Lifetime Movie Network, fast and affordable paternity tests, and a fancy hotel on the Mediterranean.

I got to thinking about how everything is connected. Really those three ads could all work on the same person, in reverse order, to produce a rather interesting life sequence.

Crazy Things Happened on the Way to the Sheriff's Office

First of all, sorry to disappoint, but I was just meeting the ol' Sheriff to get fingerprints for an application, no crime sprees lately. Second of all, I just saw an awful lot of things that made me laugh during this short, 40 minute round trip.

-Made more hilarious by a conversation about just such a problem with one Ms. Wankum, I saw so, so many people with political stickers on their cars. Like, maybe 30. Some were for Obama, so I guess maybe you're still celebrating? Others were for McCain and, hey, that's okay, he's a good guy. Others, slightly more embarrassing, were for Palin?? I'm going to guess that they're either devising a plan to turn an 08 into a 12 or, more likely, they're just protecting their paint job. In general, haven't we moved on to car magnets people??

-I saw a lady, hauling it up a huge hill on Arapahoe Rd with a giant cello strapped to her back.

-The man AT the fingerprinting station was absolutely unintelligable, but I caught a few words. I heard "mumble mumble...dirty...muble...sink (points to the sink)...mumble mumble mumble soap and water". Given that your hands need to be clean to take prints, I take this to mean "if your hands are dirty, wash them in the sink with soap and water!" When I start to do so he, much more clearly, exclaims, "NO! Oh...well, go on and finish now that you've already started." I was confused, but not as confused as I was AFTER the printing when he handed me a special towel to get the ink off of my hands and ushered me out the door. Soooooo, was the sink just for demonstration?

-There was a car, parked in the parking lot of the Sheriff's office, with a Christmas tree lashed to the roof. What the???

-On another Christmas note, I have long ago accepted that radio stations will begin playing Christmas music before Thanksgiving. I don't like it, but with the help of my therapist and a team of anger management specialists, I can cope. However, it emphatically IS TOO EARLY to play Christmas music sung by Chipmunks. That crap, cutesy, but by no means good or even entertaining (or Christmassy?) is only worth one mildly humored chuckle. Do you really want to waste it on November 20th? Poor marketing, 'munks.

-When I came back to the office (3pm) almost everyone had left! It's like, oh the (former!) intern is gone so we can all jet. I carry a lot of power here, so I understand, I'm just disappointed.

Kids Pick the President

Thanks to one Mr. Carpenter, I discovered the delight of the message boards posted on Nickelodean's "Kids Pick the President" polling place. Good gracious it reminded me of why there is a legal voting age! I've selected a handful (or 5) of my favorite, most ignorant, most hilarious messages posted by kids! For your enjoyment...

McCAIN!!
He is not TOO OLD. If you look it up men would die around their 80's.

Obama CANNOT lower gas princes they go up or down on their own.
The gas prices go UP if WE use TOO MUCH.
It depends on how much gas we have.
McCAIN will actually keep the tax prices the same for RICHER PEOPLE. and lower for the LOWER CLASS PEOPLE.

John mccain is to old how is he suposesd to think of the futer when he aint gonna be here

she has no clue how to run a country obamba does (*obamba! I love it! It sounds like a Latin dance!)

Sarah Palin is awesome and soooo ready to be in office..

i agree creationism is sooo important!!! not evolution thts just not right!
McCain-Palin '08

Sarah Palin is not creppy, she is the coolest person ever. And i think every one should vote for Mccain -Palin

WHAT IS ONE THING OBAMA WANTS TO DO GOOD FOR THIS COUNTRY...UM WHAT MAKE IT SOCIALIST OR MAYBE EVEN COMMUNIST. O and how will pulling out of the war right away gonna help us...um it will make us look weak and if u didnt just listen to the liberal media ppl would see that we r actually helping over there and we should just finish it and make them completely stable. O and obama has never done one good thing while in an office he just lies constantly like half the stuff he says is lies (*I have to say I'm impressed by the number of 4th graders that seem to know ALL about socialism! And we should just make Iraq stable- duh!)

the polls aren't counting absentee ballots.... SO GO MCCAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dont watch CNN its completely biased.
You need to watch all different news channels.
Fox News Channel is actually the most fair news channel and they tell it how it is.

both candidates are good choices but i truly believe mccain would help the war in iraq AND the economy. i watched the debates and i am staying with my man. mccain to save america!! and by the way mccain is not like bush. bush wasn't even that bad in the first place. (*yikes!)

3 reasons u souldnt vote 4 john mccain and sarah palin:
1.He wants 2 take gas prices up
2.He going 2 make the world bad to live in
3.They want 2 take over the whole world
If u vote 4 mccain then thats u but vote for obama
if u want a change cause we need a change

I do not agree with you nybaby31. I think that McCain would help students, like me, earn a better education. I'm not that good in school, and I think that if McCain wins the election, then he will help students learn better.

Yea and why is Obama good for president? Like the other user said Obama wants to give money to the poor... that means for people who earn their money it is all going to be given away to people holding up signs and faking diseases! GO JOHN MCCAIN AND SARAH PALIN!!

I completely disagree when you said Bush was a bad president. Because it's not his fault bad things happened when he was in office.On 911 it was the terrorists! Bush didn't have anything to do with it!!!!!!! (*you're right...Bush did not steer a plane into the WTC. And the next 7 years went peachy)

Obama's taxing the rich is going to drive their money into other countries pockets!!!

My Bible teacher is also a High School debate teacher and he has said that McCain has won every debate so far.

Obama has way more experience. Sarah Palin is just some person from Alaska. Being the govoner of alaska is not a hard job. Have you heard of one problem coming from Alaska? It's not that being a regular person is bad, it's just do you really want someone like that running the country? I want someone smarter then me running this country! *CoughsomeonewhowenttoHarvardwouldbenicecough* (*Coughibetbeinggovernorofalaskaisstillharderthanbeinginthe7thgrade*)

PERSONALLY,
i believe that McCain's war experience is very interesting, but IDONT THINK I WANT SOMEBODY WHO HAS BEEN A PRISONER OF WAR THAT LONG TO RUN MY COUNTRY,i mean thats gotta mess with somebody's mind. I JUST DONT WANT TO HAVE TO LISTEN TO MCCAINS ANNOYING REPUBLICAN VOICE EVERYDAY

Palin is the governor of Alaska, she has more responsibilities then Obama, who was just a senator.

Dude you need to know that mccain is not gonna die that quick his mom is 96 and hes probably gonna live that long too and palin has great ideas if you actually listen to a speech and not just listen to all the news that hate palin listen to the news watch hannity and colmes Hannity will actually tell you the truth and Obama is inexperiensed he doesnt know whats going on in the usa and the worst thing obama has done is that he is friends with terrorists and hes going to take are troops out of iraq and if you think that is fine lets watch your place get bombed...........( no offense )

It's funny that proof shows Biden has been wrong at least 94% of the time he has voted! (*He didn't vote yay or nay- he voted WRONG!!)

mCCAIN IS A SHOOTING STAR! (*that explains a lot of things)

And yes, I am also a Obama voter, but very slightly, because no offence, but mcain would be just as good as my 14-year old brother for president who sits in class all day making deathlists!

Not to offend anyone,I think Pailin is a better choice because she has spunk and she is not affraid of a fight.I have nothing agenst Joe, I just beleve that The United States of America needs spunk and something new. (*list of American wants: 1) stable economy, 2) accessible health care, 3) spunk)

sarah palin isn't just a hockey mom, she stopped the bridge to nowhere!

What's so wrong with Palin? She ran alaska, AKA the BIGGEST state in America. She could run this United states very nicely. And just because her son or whoever played hockey that makes her bad??

Obama had all these people and he picked Joe Biden, that's like going in Baskin Robins and orfering vanilla.

the only thing i don't like about biden is that he wants to add an extra 4 years of schooling, because i don't want to be in school when i am 20 years old (*yeah, 20 is so old and totally not an appropriate age to be in school!)

i personally think that not only would obama DESTROY the economy but that he is also a terrorist !!!! i think that his mother was sent to america so obama would be born here and be raised to be a president when he becomes older and DESTROy america!!!!... think about it long and hard before judging me... how about his father... HES A TERRORIST! thats their plan all along. WE NEED TO SAVE AMERICA!!

If we had a third party then what would it stand for? I think the two parties we have now cover the two opposite sides pretty well. PS: I'm a REPUBLICAN!

You don't need experiance to run the United States. What you do need to have is knowladge, but not just any knowledge you have to haave knowledge about the issues and the people, not how to find more gas. (*this one was news to me!)

Honistly bush never did anything. People say he sent us to war, wrong. Te goverment has the power to send us to war, the president doesn't. Taxes Aren't Raised becuase of the president, the goverment does it. none of this was bush's fualt, or many other residents' either.

clinton was president 8 years ago and he could have made changes and just to let you know he has been doing major scandals that hurt the us

If people want to be angry about the war. Be angry at congress because the president loses that battle. Congress declares war. The president just announces it really.

obama isnt the right choice
millions of people die in iraq
but im sure they died happily
because they were fighting for the USA,
for fredom!

My parents want McCain. As they say, you grow by your parents footsteps. they have voted a lot and I know its KIDS pick the president but I am just going in my parents footsteps. I REALLY FEEL SORRY THOUGH! (*that's probably the scariest one of all!)

For all we know, both of them could be lying to all of us. Don't lose faith, though.

After Work Pick-Me-Up

Step aside texters, talkers, eaters and shavers. Bow down singers, readers, dressers and dog-cradlers. I no longer care if you can put on make-up or peel an orange or curl ribbons while you drive. Yesterday as I drove home from work, a man in the car behind me was full-out PLAYING THE HARMONICA behind the wheel. That takes two hands, people. You brag about hands-free cell phone calls? Let's talk about hands-free DRIVING.

Harmonica. The distractor of champions.

Presidential Debate: The Vital Recaps

So I realize that I'm not always the most tuned into political details or the latest polls or who was wearing what lapel pin last Wednesday. But I do pride myself on picking apart what the candidates are REALLY doing/saying- their human qualities, if you will. Here are the top 31 points that I got out of tonight's second presidential debate.

1. Did anyone else see McCain’s awkward wave/smile/grimace as he entered the stage? It reminded me of pictures of myself from 6th grade. Yes, it was that painful.
2. I know he’s supposed to remind me of my granddad, but if McCain calls me his “friend” one more time I’m going to puke.
3. No Obama, you can’t say something else. NO. No…stop it!
4. I’m pretty sure McCain’s elbow doesn’t bend, but I also don’t want him to try too hard, lose balance, fall down, break a hip, and send a bone fragment through his congested veins all the way to his heart where the 72-year-old muscle just. can’t. take it.
5. Senator McCain, there is a reason that you are in one of the most humorless professions available to Americans. Your jokes make me feel awkward (not you, Tom…. AWKWARD.)
6. Some of the funniest looking people I’ve ever seen are sitting in the audience of this debate.
7. Obama, it’s so great to know that your priority order for energy, health care and entitlements is 1. Energy, 2. Health Care, 3. Education.
8. Thank God Sen. McCain can pronounce “nuclear”, too bad he doesn’t think nuclear energy is dangerous. Oh wait he had nuclear energy on his ship, that’s totally the same.
9. Obama you look like you’re about ready to fall off your chair. Sit up, sit back, do something about that sit-uation.
10. Wow, I’m pretty sure McCain won’t get away with calling Obama “that one”. Is he a chimp? A candy bar in a vending machine? Love to see what the press does with that tomorrow.
11. The audience consists of about 37 bald white men, 4 young black individuals, and a boy who looks like he is about 12 years old. I’m really trying to make less of a comment about the racial or age discrepancy and more of a comment about the untapped market in townhall undecided male voters' hair re-growth strategies.
12. The words that Tom Brokaw is most sick of saying: “Senator…Senator…Senator, we agreed on rules for this!”
13. Did McCain just call American goodness our “sweetest treasure”? Oops, did he just call our number one asset “American blood”? Too many jokes, it’s a toss up.
14. Seriously McCain, stop saying “my friends.” It’s like all your cronies in big oil are off somewhere playing a drinking game. Oh yeah, and while you’re at it, stop saying “cronies.”
15. Why does the way that Obama says “Taliban” and “Pakistan” make me think of “come mister tally man, tally me bananas” which, clearly, makes me think of Reading Rainbow and LeVar Burton which, again clearly, makes me wonder if it’s a coincidence that my two favorite African American role models are connected so concretely.
16. Wow, I think Obama just promised America that we will kill bin Laden.
17. I still can’t believe the near-tangible intellect gap that exists between Sen. McCain and Gov. Palin. However, let’s not jump to confuse intellect with good sense.
18. I’m so impressed by how many foreign leaders’ names you both know. You could probably say President MooShooPork of Peru and I would believe you. However, I think you’re making a crucial error by forgetting the simple fact that, to identify with the American public you’re going to need to forget how to locate Iran on a world map.
19. Funny, despite McCain staring dreamily into the eyes of Vladimir Putin and Palin's Alaska sharing a slim maritime border with Russia, I’m still not buying their foreign policy strategy.
20. Darn straight Mr. Obama, we wouldn’t want those silly Russians “makin’ any mischief!” gosh darn it.
21. McCain, stop touching that poor formal naval officer! Hands off the audience! Protect the 12-year-old boys!
22. You know you’ve lost interest in what the candidate is saying when you’re less distracted by policy in Iraq and more distracted by the flashing “Decision 08” logo in the corner of the screen. "He said, she said, she said, that one said..."
23. Thank goodness McCain is not wearing his solid- navy suit. His fashion advisor must have finally woken up from his 15 year coma. No really, I’m trying to be positive here.
24. Ooh! I’m pretty sure I’ve spotted both Harry Potter and Tony Soprano in the audience!
25. Thank you Peggy from New Hampshire for the first interesting “zen” question of the evening! Thank you candidates for NOT ANSWERING IT AT ALL. (What I don’t know is what all of us don’t know doesn’t count.) What a disappointment.
26. Obama’s “extraordinary journey that we call America” may belong more in one of those highly anticipated but in fact greatly disappointing cheesy Disney and Ford sponsored fairy tale theme park rides where you get on thinking you’re going to corkscrew and fly over death-defying cliffs but you actually sit in a car with a lap bar that only reaches to the top of the fat man’s thighs sitting beside you and drive around at 2mph in a loop looking at American memorabilia while the voice of Andy Griffith guides you through a not altogether comprehensive or accurate history of the United States. Eh, it has potential. They could make it up to you with a cool Hannah Montana exhibit at the end and a pretty classy gift shop.
27. The straight talk express has lost a wheel! Clever jab! All I could think of when I heard this was the poor 6 or 7 unpaid Campaign for Change interns who probably sat around at 2am with a pitcher full of hopes and dreams, coming up with hip witticisms to spit at John McCain.
28. I’m really glad both candidates got all their touchy-feely family stories in there at the end- I was worried I wouldn’t get my daily quota of dead family members and single mothers! My voting strategy is heavily dependent on whose cancer/war/crappy childhood stories are the most inspiring so this is actually pretty important.
29. Is anyone else concerned about how McCain referred to his life in the past tense?
30. So it seems that the “town hall” format is really a euphemism for “we’ll let a few diverse Americans ask rehearsed questions to which the candidates can respond with prepared talking points at which point the interaction with said Americans will be over. Thanks for coming, here’s a disposable camera.”
31. You both did an impressive job but if I had to pick a winner, it would still be Tom Brokaw. What a hunk.
32. What? You’re telling me that the NEXT debate is focused on economic issues??

What I Learned from the Vice Presidential Debate

Republicans still can't pronounce "nuclear" and Democrats have embraced the mysterious and elusive "Bosniacs".

I remembered!

I was distracted by the differences between Mr. Leno and I when it was our one similarity that I wanted to concern myself with. We both love a good stupid criminal story. And, I have two!

1. "Woman in Cow Suit Arrested"- you know a story is truly newsworthy if it requires a headline like that. I'll let the story speak for itself:

"Middletown police say Michelle Allen, 32, was charged with disorderly conduct on Sept. 27 after she was caught impeding traffic and chasing children. Metro.co.uk reports that Allen had been hired to wear the costume to advertise for a local "haunted trail" theme park, but left the job to go on a drinking binge."

I mean, there are worse things to be wearing in your mug shot but well, actually, no there aren't. And wow that is a really horrid costume. All I can say is that, if the kids aren't scared by the "haunted trails", they'll certainly be haunted by the memory of an oversized woman in tattered bovine outfit stumbling as she chases after them down the street. If you think the story ends well you can judge for yourself- she is caught urinating in a neighbor's garden. Turns out she's been arrested 50 times before- for robbery and prostitution! She's going to be fun in jail. Don't worry, she's from Ohio- they tend to keep their crazy pretty contained.

2. I'll keep this one short. James Coldwell, 49, decided (over a cup of coffee, according to the apparently quite thorough Manchester, NH police department) that it would be a grand idea to rob a bank... while disguised as a tree. Yes, this idea seems quite logical until you consider the, well, the logic. You can use ANYthing to hide your identity- some old classics like masks and baseball caps come to mind. A tree stealing money is still a tree stealing money! Albeit absurd. Furthermore, if you're going to use a creative disguise, you have to do more than James who "duct taped sparse foliage to his body". Not only does he get on video but YOU CAN SEE HIS FACE. Idiot.

I'll let you all figure out which picture is which.

Jay Leno

Jay Leno is a 58-year-old, famous, wealthy man with grey hair absurdly intersected by a strip of black the only conceivable purpose of which could be that it serves as a rudimentary compass, always pointing toward the north star while Grandpa Leno drives around West Hollywood on one of his antique motorcyles, gabbing it up on his cell with manpanion Terry Bradshaw. I am 22, strawberry blonde, and the closest I've come to famous is a toss up between having a poorly written article about me featured in the hard-hitting Littleton Independent and giving a presentation on the conical cleavage of sand dollar eggs to one of the country's top cellular biologists (who was maybe 85 and asleep in the back of the room). Take your pick. What's my point? Jay Leno and I are nothing alike. Ahem.....soooo, what's my point? Actually I sorta forgot but when I remember I'll post it right after this.

Talk about anti-climax.

You Know You're Not Qualified When...

I'm just hoping to list a few "job qualifications" listed for positions I was foolish enough to consider...until I read the fine print!

1. Incumbent must be listed on, or possess, a current 10-A permit authorizing research activities on endangered Desert Tortoise in southern Nevada (Shoot! I'm only authorized to research on the endangered River Tortoise of norther New Mexico!)

2. The successful applicant must be proficient in MS Office, able to read basic site plans/building plans, have knowledge of food safety practices/regulations, basic epidemiology and disease investigation, soils, and ground and surface water hydrology. A valid Colorado driver's license is required. The ability to ski or snowboard is desirable for performance of on-mountain winter inspections. (Basically.... can you just do everything? Please? Oh yeah, and ski too!)

3. This CPHA position requires a mix of intra disciplinary skills public
health, food microbiology sanitation expertise, and training to assist in
assessing and recommending improvements for State illness reducation
programs as they pertain to the Vibrio public health concerns associated
with molluscan shellfish consumption. (You lost me at the end there...)

Pictures are signals of my own laziness. Or maybe funny things just stopped happening to/around me! It's increased my sanity a lot though, I'll tell you that. And I can also tell you that my 3 closest friends are NOT okay, so I'm safe.

Forward Motion

So this picture is called "forward motion". I'm less curious about the concept than I am about why someone would be carrying 5 pairs of sunglasses in a briefcase. It's actually not a very pressing concern of mine, believe it or not. The single, ugly loafer is a bit distressing though.

When did this blog turn into poop?

Pit Guitar

The thing I'll miss most about Chapel Hill is the always lurking possibility of being harrassed by pit preachers, and apparently, pit guitarists on sunny days. Todays hottest hits:

1. It's Not Okay to Be Gay ("It's not okay to be gay, it's wrong to be homo, the Bible says homosexuality is a big no-no")
2. The Abstinence song ("Keep it in your pants, practice abstin-ance")
3. Not Your Body ("What part of your baby's body is part of your body")
3. Evolution is a Lie ("Evolution is a lie, it did not make your eye")

I'm only sorry I didn't get to stick around for The Mormon Song.

Wow, I am so pretty slash horrific

I have to say that I am particularly impressed that such technology could pick up on my subtle Asian roots. The Paris Hilton comparison is not as flattering as one might think, but I wonder what she would say if she knew her picture was being linked to Ms. Elfriede Jelinek. I'm a little frightened that I might look like that when I get older, you know, I could slip into the dark lipstick, fake eyebrows, slicked back hair look. I don't know, just a thought.

Weather.com

Weather.com, I love you but...

...your advertising may need a little work. No no, not YOUR advertising, but the advertising on your page. I just checked you for the temperature (don't ask me why because it is 9:50pm and I'm definitely not going anywhere outside of my room, but it is 58 with light rain) but was greatly distracted by an ad for mortage rates NEAR 40 YEAR LOWS!!! Well, that is grand and all. But why would mortgage rates be advertising with a giant sheep dressed in a tuxedo and bow-tie, with the words "calculate new payment" being sheared into his fur? It just doesn't make sense.

What else is currently advertised on your site? Lamps Plus and Endless Pools (the treadmill for swimmers!). Quality, no really, top notch.

I'm going to stop typing now.

Stellar Service at Student Health, as per usual

Dear Student Health,

I realize that health is probably not your main focus over there at Campus Health Services, but something really concerns me when the pharmacy doesn't spell my name right on my prescription. What's worse is watching the pharmacist copy the prescription from the meds to the receipt and even though my name is RIGHT THERE, she spells it differently on the paper. But, still wrong. Something tells me all of your funding is skipping the pockets of your not-so-finely-trained "doctors" and pharmacists and going right into the malpractice pot.

Sincerely,
Hayleigh/Haley

Happiness is...

I'm not even going to go through the whole "it's been awhile since I've posted" thing. Because, in all honesty, I think I have proven very very well that I am dreadfully inconsistent at best. Today I just felt MOVED to write about some things that made me happy on this glorious Friday. Or perhaps I'm putting off the final touches on my physics lab? Probably both. Okay, here are some things that made me smile today:

A) A weird deja vu moment in the quad between Carroll and Gardner when I remembered seeing Sean May almost take a head dive on the brick path leading to Polk Place. I don't remember if that happened before or after winning the championship, but if it was after, I totally wish he had fallen. Is that mean? I just like amusement.

B) While I was waiting for my tea water to boil, I gazed longingly out of the 3rd floor Ehaus kitchen window as I often do (Gone with the Wind-esque, right?) and I got to see one of the most potentially comedically tragic scenes play out before my eyes. The RU bus was at the bus stop and a few stragglers were absolutely running from different directions to try to catch the bus before it left. As they were reaching the stop, a girl (henceforth named Hobbles) on crutches, nay- a girl carrying her crutches so that she could limp/move as fast as possible- appears on the scene, hobbling with all of her might from Ehaus to the bus stop. At this point, I was conflicted as to whether I wanted to see her make the bus or not. It would really suck for her if she didn't, but the hobbling with crutches in-hand was....amusing. I'm actually in therapy to work out why I cruelly value the crippled only for their comedic contributions to my life. Well, she made the bus. Sigh.

C) As I left my physics lab review session I saw one of UNC's top-paid, grant supported physics/astronomical science research professors shoving his face full of M&Ms as he dashed out of his office. Dude, share.

D) My physics lab TA gave us some helpful advice. He said whenever the final question on our report asked us to share what we learned in that lab, we can answer it however we want and he will not take points off for it. His justification? "I don't give a flip. You guys could write down, 'while doing this lab, I learned how to play basketball' and that is clearly not true, but hey, what do I know? Maybe you did." I love this man. (I just wish he would love my lab reports a little more...)

E) I got stuck walking up the hill from lower quad to Phillips behind an incredibly short, incredibly SLOW little girl person. Wait, this did not make me happy. Oh that's right, it made ME FURIOUS!!! That might be extreme, but do you know how fast you can make it up that hill if your legs are longer than pudding pops?

But overall, the day was happy. I especially liked watching Hobbles run for the bus. Haha.

Finals...

Is it terrible to admit that I spent the last 20 minutes of my Fall 2006 final exam studying extravaganza NOT reading medical geography but instead attempting to make a water tornado in my water bottle via the highly sophisticated and well-confirmed method of spinning it really really fast?









*Note the word ATTEMPTING.... what a disappointment.

Indexing, please

You know what I think would be really frustrating if I were a smart person that had studied and written some really smart things? If people cite my work in their CLEARLY inferior articles, notebooks, and textbooks and then I'm not even in the index!! It's like hey, so my life's work was important enough to quote several times throughout your second-rate textbook which is only made sufferable by the graceful presence of my own studies, but not important enough to be in the index?? I would take personal offense. My name being left out of the index would be like salt in the wound. The authors are kind of like, well uhhhhh we're just going to assume that, despite our extensive use of this referenced work, no one in their sane and mildly competent mind would ever, EVER want to look it up for further re-examination in the text.

Do I sound bitter? All I wanted was to REREAD SVEN GODLUND'S DILEMMA IN RELATING LOCAL OPTIMIZATIONS IN HEALTH CARE SERVICES AS THEY RELATE TO TERRITORIAL JUSTICE IN SWEDEN!!!!!!!!!! For crying out loud! The book is flipping 600 pages and the closest direction in the index is to GOITER.

Sven- me and you man, solidarity.

I don't really know

So here's the news for today:

While my lovely suitemate is on her LAN line phone talking to her boyfriend she is SIMULTANEOUSLY picking up on someone else's conversation in which a young lady is breaking up with her man Ryan. Bummer Ry-Ry, sorry dude. This is actually pretty cool though- it's like phone tapping for laypeople, do-it-yourself kit AKA pick up your phone and listen to what juicy details reveal themselves THIS week! No really though, poor Ryan my arm. He probably deserves it.

The only thing equally as cool as this was when I picked up a police scanner signal on my RA walkie-talkie on rounds one night. I'll tell ya, if doing rounds didn't make me feel cool enough already, carrying around walkie-talkies sure helps out. Then, what's really cool is when those walkie-talkies are screaming "Code 1016, OVER, OVER, West 1 block to 314. Suspect is accounted for, OVER!" and calling each and every resident's attention to me in my extra cool badge, stalking the halls of Ehringhaus in search of wrongdoing. Wow, that makes my job sound important.

Next up is the fact that I really, really REALLY hope that the folks in Hanes Art Center have kindly removed their last art project display from Course Whatever with Whatever Teacher practicing Whatever Technique. First of all art kids, take a real class. Second of all, stop making larger-than-lifesize people statues out of Barbie doll parts and passing it off as art, not to mention making me pee my pants from unadulterated fear each and every time I walk down the hall to biology. The drawings and the paintings are nice, stick to those. OH and other things that do not count as art: pieces of a sliced loaf of bread glued equidistantly along a long, wooden plank and hung on the wall and a giant metal cage filled with balloons. Sorry art people, I'm just saying...

Thennnnnnnnn, a 61 year old grandma got caught running drugs (214 POUNDS of pot in her car!) in order to keep up with her BINGO habit?!??!?! She was probably just trying to buy elder-diapers and chocolate cigarettes for her grandkids! Let her off, people. After all, she's old. Maybe the MJ was medicinal?? Me and granny here, we're optimists.

Ok that's all for the news except, what the heck is the deal. Like, in general.

Blotty Blot Blot

Soooooooooo a big thing in molecular biology/genetics, as someone out there probably knows, is the blot. As in, blot analysis. As in, Southern blot. Northern blot. Western blot. Every time we go back through and learn the whole procedure again (since 9th grade, I've probably learned it 5 times?) I spend most of the class period doing two things:

A) Wondering why I ever put forth the effort and energy toward researching about and learning the blot analysis procedure ON MY OWN...the FIRST TIME, seeing as it's clearly something that every teacher ever feels the need to reteach.
B) Contemplating why on Earth hoity-toity, high tech scientists, constantly in a race to the next Nobel Prize or to the next random pooping mechanism that they can name after themselves, NAMED THE THING A BLOT.

Neither question of mine has, unfortunately, ever been answered. But as a part of that effort I put forth in learning blot analysis, I DID make my very own contribution to science by making a mnemonic device to remember which blot deals with which macromolecule. Prepare yourselves (it's a cheer, say it with enthusiasm):

South, North, West! D and R Protest!

IT RHYMES!! I know, genius, right? To anyone that hasn't stopped reading yet (My deepest apologies but it is, after all, your fault) this OBVIOUSLY means that South = DNA, North = RNA, and West = Protein.

Sad story, though. It never really caught on. But it helps me go to bed at night if I retain the one small thread of hope that says, hey, you know what? You probably helped someone through their first cell biology class. I mean, probably not, but you do what you gotta do to live with yourself.

My last random comment about blots-- my favorite part of any diagram showing the procedure for a Southern blot is the fact that ontop of the chemical gel, nitrocellulose paper, bio-sponge, and finely tuned buffer solution invariably sits "stacked paper towels." And is labeled as such. Textbook authors couldn't cut the guys some slack and call them "absorbant fiber sheets" or something of the like??? Haha, it makes me smile.

No really, my last random comment-- I think I just saw ET go past Ehringhaus. Well, not ET I guess, but the kid on the bicycle with the sweatshirt hood and all? I guess there really wasn't an alien. OKAY ALREADY, I saw a kid with a hoodie riding a bicycle!!!! It seemed cool circa 15 seconds ago.

Why television is good for you

"I guess I'm gonna have to call this thing for the Democrats. The people have spoken and apparently they're tired of freedom. Don't get me wrong, I'm just disappointed. I thought this country would last longer than 230 years...Don't think you're off the hook voters, you're the ones who made this bed. Now you're gonna have to move over so a gay couple can sleep in it. Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world. A world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones created in a stem cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags! Where tax and spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high!"

- Stephen Colbert

So... the election is over but it remains to be seen if anything really changes besides who television comedians make fun of. Hey- it's change nonetheless so I'm happy :)

The Next Generation of Scientists

The world should be a little frightened of the next generation of scientists. Or maybe just of me. This only comes to mind now, as I sit here researching for my biology research paper in which we are supposed to point out the flaws in a previously written research paper of our choice. Not really because I can't understand a word of the literally over 100 papers I've read to find one, and not necessarily because I don't even know enough biology to KNOW if the crude experiments done on jellyfish in 1915 produced reasonable results, but moreso because I just used an "Ask a Real Scientist" website as a background research source for my project. I was specifically interested, as was 11-year-old Maryam from Ohio, in the discovery of membrane diffusion processes. I think the source is legitimate though, the person who answered the question signed his response "spaceman".

This is going to be a hell of a paper.

Dove Promises....

The "Dove Promise" I just read inside the wrapper of one of the chocolates says

Be the change you hope to see.

HMMMMMMMM, I mean OKAY. But see, here's the thing. I'd be glad to do that but I already promised this other guy that I would be the change I want to see in the world... so I think I'm going to have to go with my previous commitment on this one.

Wait, who was the man who said that?

OH YEAH- Ghandi.

Can Dove really not come up with 8 different promises to circulate through their millions of candies that don't RIP OFF some of the most well known quotations of all time?? I'd boycott if the chocolate wasn't so good.

Fall 2006 Schedule Update, with commentary by MOI

Okay so here's my recap on classes for the semester in case the one person who reads this blog cares (thanks Mom!)

Biology 423L- Something about experiments in genetics

This class is total baloney and it is the least favorite one I've got. It is a rotting pile of maggots. Actually, it's not that bad but it's really pretty bad if you know what I mean. We meet for an hour lecture on Mondays and a 3 hour lab on Wednesdays. Oh, but you want to know the kicker? We also get to come in just about every other day of the week to check up on whatever silly organisms we were growing in the previous week's lab!!! Funny how they didn't mention that part in the class description... Basically, I have come to hate all of the following creatures of life: E. coli, yeast, C. elegans, and drosophila. I also have a newfound distaste for everything else my hands have ever touched in that lab, with the minor exception of the anti-microbial soap which I'm sure, after scrubbing my hands with it for about 3 minutes every Wednesday, has single-handedly saved my life a number of times. Remember that E. coli scare in the spinach? And the lettuce? WELL HOW ABOUT THE E. COLI SCARE IN MY PETRI DISHES SITTING IN AN INCUBATOR SO THEY CAN PROLIFERATE AND CAUSE IMMEDIATE DEATH UPON MY ARRIVAL FOR MY NEXT LAB PERIOD. It's okay, I know this won't happen for two reasons. 1) I usually manage to screw up each and every lab so irreversibly that nothing. ever. grows. Like my yeast for example? Yeah, I burned those little suckers with the glass spreader, oops! 2) I risk my very life walking INTO Wilson 130 for my lab and I'm never sure upon entering if I'll even ever make it to my lab bench before death attacks me at every angle. The building was supposed to be closed to students in August?? And I would say the construction in the hallway, the dangling electric cords, the unsealed door with uncut glass leaning against it, the sawdust everywhere, and the construction workers on a perpetual lunch/"hey baby" break just outside our lab room are PRETTY CLEAR signals that this is truly the case. Well Biol 423L did not get the memo. But you know, it's not really that bad.

Next up- Physics 104: intro to intro to intro to physics for idiots

This class is probably my favorite. Which, as anyone from my high school (were they to stumble upon this piece of Pulitzer Prize winning literature) would be able to tell you, this is pretty much a giant surprise to everyone in the world. I hated physics in high school. Beyond all other things, I hated physics. Mostly I hated my deformed decrepid perverted got-made-fun-of-too-much-in-gradeschool-and-is-now-emotionally-damaged teacher. Well, that's all over now. My teacher, Dr. Pierce, is the real deal. He has the most massive collection of man toys I have ever seen in my life. Not to mention one of the quirkiest wardrobes and oddest hairstyles which Josh kindly told me resembles that of my own. Thanks Josh, we're really cranking up the self-confidence. Who doesn't love a man who's willing to throw eggs at the wall, at a sheet, at the door, at the floor, at a girl's hand, and INTO the 150-person lecture classroom with absolutely no concern as to the consequences of said action. Who doesn't love a man who probably lost his ability to have children while getting off of a larger than life see saw in the middle of the room. Who doesn't love a man who, while racing a student on the first day of class, actually fell down and skidded across the floor under the weight of a 180/190 pound student? Who doesn't love a man who somehow manages to end each one of his classroom examples with someone in the problem dying or getting hit by an 18-wheeler? Who doesn't love a man who brings a DUAL FIRE EXTINGUISHER POWERED CART to class, and rides it wearing a helmet and glasses, and then complains that it didn't have enough JUICE to sufficiently SLAM him against the opposite wall? Who does not like Dr. Pierce. It's just not the American way. Oh yeah and the class is fairly easy and the first test was good. I'm happy.

Biology 446 Unsolved Problems in Cellular Biology

You can tell by the title that this class has some real potential. Too bad it's not realized potential. Though I feel like I've learned a little about the material and learned A LOT about science as a field and much more than I ever needed about how to read/write about/present on detailed research papers, I just come out of the class everyday asking, what did we do today? Well I can tell you precisely what we do everyday. Each and every one of the 35-40 of us in there KILLS a QUADRANT of some desolate RAINFOREST off of which 10 JUNGLE TRIBES had been SUBSISTING FOR HUNDREDS OF YEARS because the professor xeroxes 60-70 pages from textbooks, staples them together, and hands them out like candy on Halloween. Except this candy is not required to be eaten, if you follow the metaphor, and thus mine go into the paper recycling tub on my way out of Mitchell Hall. It is downright ridiculous. At first, the packets were 3-4 pages and you sort of forgot about them, but now we're actually becoming the cause of the need for restructuring in the biology department because, due to the thousands of pages being copied for JUST THIS CLASS, a few of the struggling researchers in the department just. have to. go. You know you're starting to become numb to the issue however when you begin to feel less resentment toward your environment-murdering professor and more resentment toward the stupid staple that you have to pull out of each of the 4-5 packets handed out daily so that you can throw the sad pages into the recycling bin with a guilt-free conscious. The next thing he'll do is start putting this print-outs on neon paper so they're no longer recyclable. I know it. Just you wait. Why isn't neon paper recyclable anyway? That seems dumb. WELP, moving on.

Finally, Geography 445: Medical Geography

This class is good and bad mixed together. The professor annoys the living goodness out of me by asking vague and difficult questions that she KNOWS we don't know the answers to because she LOVES giving us the answers with a sly little smirk that says, "I got the first PhD in Medical Geography ever in the world and YOU...are just a peon". This woman complains about grading papers and tests and assignments to no end, and yet continues to assign them. She promises us our first choice on disease topics to present on and yet not a single person in my presentation group on Japanese Encephalitis (yeah, I hadn't heard of it either) had even remotely requested that disease. She holds class during the 2.5 measly hours that are considered "University Day" and are the only precious moments the University mandates professors to cancel class for the entire year. She is the only person I have ever seen manage to wear mismatched moo-moos everyday and to consistently use her abnormally large breasts as armrests throughout the class period. But the information in the class is good, we've read a good book and the workload is not too harsh. The class as a whole is pretty decent but I think its main purpose is pretty much to remind me each and every Tuesday/Thursday how wonderful classes outside of the science departments can be. Is it too late to be a geography major?????

I mean, I won't get started on my lame Friday afternoon physics lab. My TA is pretty much a jerk but grades easy so I'll let him slide. And that is that. Sorry my life isn't more interesting you guys. My bad.

Whoopsidaisy

Um, well it has been awhile, hasn't it? LET'S CUT THE PLEASANTRIES. We all know that I haven't written in this thing since July for one reason and one reason only. No one reads this stinking pile of cow manure that I like to call SERIOUS JOURNALISM anyway. I'm not sure if it's because no one takes me seriously? Insert melodramatic question and answer session with myself concerning the purpose of my life and how this blog somehow fits into my meaningless pith of an existence.

Okay, snap back to reality. WHOOPS there goes gravity. Thanks to Eminem for that. What? Okay, I'm going to go now and post something immediately after this that maybe has more substance.

Shakespeare

FracturedGazelle: ha;yley
CO rhino 9: look who it is
FracturedGazelle: it's bard
FracturedGazelle: brda
CO rhino 9: THE bard?
FracturedGazelle: brad
CO rhino 9: SHAKESPEARE IS THAT YOU
FracturedGazelle: happy fourth for fuuluy
FracturedGazelle: whopys
CO rhino 9: drunk shakespeare
CO rhino 9: fabulous
FracturedGazelle: i mad e3 dollars today
CO rhino 9: ooh
FracturedGazelle: butt hats because its a holiday
CO rhino 9: BUTT HATS???
FracturedGazelle: i dont exapect you to humor me
FracturedGazelle: i just need an excuse to not close my eyes, get the spins, and throw up[


LOVELY. Friends are where it's at.

Bonfils Blood Donation

The telephone conversation that just occurred between Dick from Bonfils and myself....

Dick: Hi this is Dick from Bonfils Blood Donation...(blah blah), I was wondering if you'd be able to give a donation?
Me: Well, I would love to but I'm getting over mono so I don't think you want my blood.
Dick: NO! I mean, no. We don't want your blood. But thank you for calling. I mean, for answering me. When I called you. Umm...
Me: Thanks Dick.
Dick: Ok, have a good time at school and, um... learn something.
Me: Ok Dick. Bye.

Honestly. I think awkward phone conversations are just attracted to me.

My Working AIM Profile, Sans the AIM

So I really like putting funny things that people say over AIM in my profile, as you all probably know. But since my AIM situation at home is a little touch and go..... family computers, you know, I am going to update this entry if someone says something that makes me laugh. So tell me funny things and enjoy!!

G-reg: I mean...if I had those grades...you know I'd put that shining A- bling blingin' on my bosom (like scarlet letter)
G-reg: ...if I had a bosom

Me: you do the math, you studious student you
Sarah-rah-rah: lol i don't know that's pretty hard
Sarah-rah-rah: let's see...27-15=
Sarah-rah-rah: ?????
Sarah-rah-rah: 17 days!

uhhhhhhhhhhh...

Mr. Bloom!

Mr. Bloom

Someone else knows the famous Mr. Bloom!! What an awesome guy, I wish he would come back! (link above)

Gum Addiction

So anyone that knows me here on campus probably knows that I began an odd gum addiction this year. It began during finals week of first semester and, to date, I cannot count the number of pieces of the same kind of gum I have chewed but you can believe me when I say it is in the mid-upper hundreds. This does not mean that I have an unhealthy affinity for Trident Orange/Watermelon gum. It simply means that grocery stores should stop selling said gum in such large packs and that these packs should stop jumping into my cart.

Oh, but out of all of these hundreds of packs of gum, I just swallowed my first piece. So we're good, my appendix thanks me for keeping the gum-swallowing business under wraps. I mean, 1 piece ain't bad. Except now I have to get another and that one hadn't lost its flavor yet.

Dang! What a waste.

Club Ehaus!!!

Tonight in Club Ehaus, which was, uh.... otherwise vacant, I learned how to:

MERENGUE!!!

SALSA!!!

and BACHATA!!!!

All thanks to my amazingly talented teacher, G-regulator "They took my license photo right after I crossed the border and it doubled as my mug shot" Carrrrrrrerrrrrro.

What an awesome fun time :) And you KNOW I will be practicing in my room so I don't forget them this time!

Pulitzer Prize? Okay!

So, in the Health Sciences Library today... I was collecting chairs for our group to meet around a big table and asked a kindly little old man if I could use one across from him. He said that was fine (in a funny old man way) and then grabbed my arm and said: "Are you a student here?"

Of course I say yes, and so began a 10 minute or so conversation with who turned out to be William Herman Bloom, a poet, novelist, 6-time coronary survivor, retired neurologist and brain surgeon, and (most recently) a Pulitzer Prize Nominee for his new book, "Wit, Wisdom, and Whimsy".

So I basically am in love with this tiny man who, as it turns out, is basically me trapped in a much more well-traveled, experienced, 80-year-old male body. English is his first love and he went into science as a default because he couldn't make money, back then, as a writer (ME). His daughter is an epidemiologist at the CDC in Atlanta (um, ME PLEASE!!!!) and he was just the coolest ever (well... me, you know....)

Anyway- my teacher finally asked a girl in our group to come over and get me so I could be included in this graded meeting, so I had to pull myself away from Mr. Bloom. But he didn't leave before quoting me as many inspirational sayings as humanly possible in about 30 seconds. But before he got up and left a few minutes later, he leaned to me, smiled like a 10-year-old boy and said:

"If you shoot for the stars, but land on the moon, you'd be happy right? Well I landed on the moon. And I think I'm doing okay."

I hope I meet him again!!

Only you, North Carolina

Two really interesting things happened to Rob and I during our adventure at the drive-in movie theater.

Number 1, this really cool guy was just chillin, ridin his motorcycle. I dunno, 40/45 mph? It's dark outside, we're on the highway approaching a light, lots of cars around.

But oh yeah, he's only got one hand on the handlebar thingies (you can tell I'm a biker) and he is STANDING on ONE FOOT on the SEAT of the motorcycle. The other leg is extended in the air.

We were looking around to see if he had buddies honking from a car or something, wanting desperately to know who was cool enough to have someone show off like that for them. But no, there was no one. He was just doin his thing. (We all know he was showing off for me, wink.)

Number 2, we are AT the drive-in and Rob goes into the already fairly sketchy looking concession stand and when he comes back, he enlightens me with the knowledge that they are selling GUNS in the concession stand.

Culture shock set in slower than one would think, out of utter disbelief that such a thing could actually be true.

But no. We went back together and yes, indeed, hand guns-a-plenty were for sale under glass. Oh no, of course no one was actually standing behind the gun counter because that might reflect an ounce of responsibility. But hey, at least if someone wanted to steal a gun and go on a rampage, there was plenty of ammunition for sale as well. And, surprisingly enough, the also had handcuffs for sale...... for all those turn-yourself-in types....?

Right.

At this point, do I even need to say that we were in Durham?

Another day at the lab

So... let's have a chat about organic lab. When you get into the upper level labs in, well say... COLLEGE, they (being the vague and yet ever-superior wizards of Chemistry Oz that make decisions about science-y things) begin to trust poor helpless chemistry students with things that they should not be trusted with.

Case in point.

Somewhere between 9th grade biology lab and 2nd semester organic chemistry one learns that-- why yes! indeed! water, despite its conventional uses and ubiquitous presence in everyday life, is ACTUALLY a chemical compound! like all the others!

and it reacts with stuff! like all the others!

I think you might see where this is going, but just in case you don't, I will kindly continue with the sad saga that is my kindasortalikealittle/ABSOLUTE LOATHING relationship with chem lab at UNC.

So let's say you have a sink at your lab bench. Out of this sink tap flows water. This water flows into a basin that is constantly wet from water. Are we clear? Now let's say some silly lab instructor decides that he/she/it/its mother wants the poor helpless students to convert a carboxylic acid to an amide which (OF COURSE) requires our one and only homeboy favorite reagent--- THIONYL CHLORIDE.

Well I, playing the part of the unsuspecting (and really quite dumb and consistently unprepared) lab student, got a beaker full of said Thionyl Chloride. Then I realized we only needed 1 mL. I have two choices.

1. Use a pipet to get 1 mL of the solution out of the full beaker, use it in the reaction, and offer my thionyl chloride-a-plenty to other students in the class--- delightfully logical!!
or...
2. Defying all human mental capacity for sound and responsible behavior, decide it is easier to start over and go back and get 1 mL of the solution- and in the meantime THROW ON THE SINK WATER JET AND TOSS THE ENTIRE BEAKER OF THIONYL CHLORIDE INTO A WET AND MIST-FILLED BASIN OF SWEET SWEET WATERY GOODNESS.

I'm going to go ahead and assume that you know which one I chose.

And I am not even going to begin to tell you how difficult it is to conceal gushing spouts of white smoke and obnoxiously loud poofing/hissing noises from your TA, all while spazzing out into a grotesquely embarassing "what-the-hell-happened" dance- which involved a lot of limb flailing and gasping for clean air as one of the strongest and foulest odors I have ever smelled literally BURNED into every uncovered pore of my body.

In every sense of the word irony, I spent the next 5 minutes or so of my life rinsing my throat, nose, and hands with every ounce of sweet, sweet water I could find. And then...

TA: Did something just happen at your lab bench?
Me: Oh yeah, some leftover stuff in the sink musta reacted
TA: Oh, okay.

Anticlimactic- but hey, I kept allllllll of my precious lab performance points :)

Obnoxious Girls

I have an unbelievably high tolerance for annoying people. Any of you annoying people out there know this, because I probably still act like I'm your friend. Oh, you didn't know you were annoying? Shucks, maybe you should fix that before you're the unsuspecting target of a sarcastic blog entry.

ANYWAY, at Student Health today I really wanted to explode because there were 2 of the most obnoxious girls that have ever tested my tolerance level waiting near me. Other than their extremely loud and ear-grating voices, and their tendency to screech obscenities for no apparent reason, they were so absorbed in themselves that I wanted to slap them upside their faces with my shoe just to let them know that there was someone else in the room.

They spent about 15 minutes talking about themselves to each other and repeatedly asking one another, "How are we similar? We are not similar at all!" and "Who of our friends am I most similar to?" and "I think I'm really unique, don't you?" and "what do you think are my best qualities?". Then they moved into discussing their FRIENDS (Lord help them, whoever they are) and who their FRIENDS were most/least similar to and the good/bad qualities of their FRIENDS. Oh man, at this point I'd rather just GET mono if I didn't already have it in order to get out of the room.

But no, then they move into state-dissing. Like, a 5 or 6 minute diss-session on members of the United States of America. Well, they started with Ohio, where I have family.

"That is just the dirtiest, most awful state I've ever been in?"
"Where is Ohio?"
"You don't even need to know, it's just an ugly, dirty filler state you need to fill the space between here and California"
"Why'd you go?"
"Oh, I just drove through once"

Then they moved on to discredit the great states of Nebraska and Wyoming, both of which are homes of people I care about. I was waiting to pull out the punches if they mentioned Colorado, but the only victims remaining to be stripped of their dignity were Iowa (which neither girl could locate), Wisconsin, and the Dakotas.

Then their geographical conversation moved to trying to define what qualified as "New England" and, after a solid 30 seconds of debate, they agreed that the region included any state, not a "filler state" that rested above the Mason-Dixon line. And somehow this included Michigan.

It was at this point that the kind, kind nurse called me to get my blood test. She called me "Katie", which is never comforting at the doctor's office, but nonetheless I was removed from what had quickly become the inner perils of the Student Health waiting area. I'd have my arm pricked again to get out of that obnoxiousacity.

No, that's not a word (or is it?), but it's been a long day and I think you can go with me on this one.

Maintenance Schmaintenance

How come every time we come back from any kind of academic break they've replaced our shower curtains?? It's like, hey, I just got used to the one you threw at me in January! It had this weird fold in it that made it hard to close which, you know, made it "unique". But this new one is just stiff and too white and plastic curtainy smelling.

I don't know, maybe I'm complaining about things that don't need complaining about. But my tuition just got raised $1100 and I think I can live with the same shower curtain for a year, thanks.

Late Night Studying

Dr. O moves pretty quickly in health policy class sometimes, so I have to summarize a lot in my notes....I found:

"Incremental Health Care Reform: "Hi, I'm the government. You're poor. I care. Here's a program.....GOTCHA, it probably won't even work"

I make myself sad. A little because the material is just sad, but mostly because of my lameness. Oh yeah, and a little because my notes are completely worthless to me after I take them.

Google I Like You

Thank you Google quote of the day for concisely describing my thoughts on the study of ecology. I guess that's a bit redundant (the study of the study of the earth), but anyways:

Today's scientists have substituted mathematics for experiments, and they wander off through equation after equation, and eventually build a structure which has no relation to reality.
-Nikola Tesla

Yeah Reice. Go eat your sickly wife's food.

Poem

Yeah so you don't have to read this, but it pretty much sums up the world.

Written in Early Spring (Wordsworth)

I heard a thousand blended notes
While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts
Bring sad thoughts to the mind.

To her fair works did Nature link
The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think
What Man has made of Man.

Through primrose tufts, in that sweet bower,
The periwinkle trail'd its wreaths;
And 'tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes.

The birds around me hopp'd and play'd,
Their thoughts I cannot measure,—
But the least motion which they made
It seem'd a thrill of pleasure.

The budding twigs spread out their fan
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.

If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be Nature's holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament
What Man has made of Man?

Lab Bench Partner/Neighbor Girl?

Okay, so first of all, I am a mean person. But I'm sorry, I just can't decide which I think is more pathetic:

A) That the girl at the lab bench next to me has never opened a combination lock (MasterLock- you know) before, or
B) That I reteach her how to use it each and every week and each and every week she manages to close it again and must "stealthily" ask the boy on the other side of her to open for her because she's embarassed to ask me again.

Okay, nevermind, I choose B. We've had 5 labs. This problem should have resolved itself by now.

Pimpin' PMP Daddy

So on the train in the Denver airport, I saw a guy, in the corner of my eye, reading a book called "PIMP"

Or so I thought.

At first I thought, is he just trying to hip up his lingo? Is the book a joke? Is he really just socially secure enough to read such a book in public? Where are his hoes? And gold chains?

That's it. There were no hoes or gold chains, and that's when I knew there was something wrong with this situation.

The book was PMP- Project Managment Professionals.

BOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRING

Good Day

Today was a good day as far as I'm concerned.

I woke up exactly 1 minute before my alarm at each of the 3 times I set it. (In the morning, after a 20 minute Union-Gallery nap, and after a 30 minute pre-PCM nap). Soooooo I didn't get much sleep, but I was still happy!

I spilled minimal ether on myself in organic chem lab today, and by minimal, I mean maximal. But that's okay, because the burning sensation is almost cool and it doesn't worry me too badly that the toxic warning sign on the reagent bottle is bigger than the ether label. Gloves? What gloves? I'm hardcore.

Insert moment of silence for my lab deskmate who accidentally vaporized her unknown solution and broke her ($expensive$) separatory funnel.

Got a bagel. The bagel man called me "yo". That was sweet of him.

There are really cool new paintings in the Union Gallery- which is AWESOME, but it means I have to sit facing the other way so I don't look at them. A girl's gotta study. Unfortunately facing the other way forces me to look out the window. I saw a girl break up with her boyfriend from a distance while, ironically, a different couple was making out on the next bench over. Ah, public school.

The Pit Preacher was at his best-- "Look at all them HOES walkin' around. Girls in JEANS!! TIGHT JEANS! This is a sin and we must live without SIN!"

I had actually seen one of the movies that Dr. Oberlander mentioned in Policy class today- SCORE for One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest! He also called me out because, apparently, my eyes got really big when he mentioned the prospect of social security running out for our parents, and that this will lead to more parents living with their children. Priceless.

Dr. O said, and I quote, "Social Security loves smoking! Social Security and Medicare should pass out cigarettes. People would die, it would be great!" It's an interesting approach to public health, I support it.

PCM was awesome. Delicious. And more awesome.

AND TO TOP IT ALL OFF!!!! No one, I repeat NO ONE, seems to be repeatedly lifting and dropping an entire bed in the suite above me tonight! Although, it's not 1 am yet...

It's enough to drive you crazy if you let it

I listened to Dolly Parton's 9 to 5 about 6 times walking to and from class yesterday.

I don't know why I devoted a whole entry to that, but the song makes me walk faster.

Mysterious Ring of Fire...

So, year in review for Ehringhaus Residence Hall...

Last year: big fire, took out a suite which is now appropriately called, the "fire suite". You can call us Carolina kids a lot of things, but one thing you can't call us is not clever...er, something like that.

This year: car engine explodes in parking lot, anonymous RA lights something anonymous on fire in an anonymous kitchen, 3-4 dumpster fires, and today of course: front half of a Tar Heel Takeout car is engulfed in a fiery blaze directly adjacent to Ehringhaus.

I have nothing real to conclude here. My thoughts are shifting toward.... global warming?

UNC: Pedestrians Not Welcome

Okay, so I guess Yield for Heels isn't working.... from the Daily Tar Heel:

"At 6:39 p.m. Monday, an unidentified man was hit while crossing the 400 block of Franklin Street. Twenty minutes later, 54-year-old Arthur MClean lost his life while walking across U.S. 15-501.

Tuesday brought a second fatality, when Harry Weldon Alston, who was riding his bike, collided with a bus carrying the Boston College men's basketball team on N.C. 54.

And Wednesday's incidents might hit even closer to home for many University students.

Rita Lauria, a law student at UNC, was struck by a vehicle while crossing Ridge Road within a marked crosswalk...

At 8:20 p.m. UNC psychology professor David Galinsky was hit and killed while walking across Fordham Boulevard on his way to the Smith Center."

Yeah, that's 5 in 3 days. We're dropping like flies!

Italian Movies

So we watched this brilliantly odd movie in Italian class about this guy named Andreuccio (it's part of the Decameron and we just finished reading the story of Andreuccio in Italian). It's a great movie, but the department happens to only own the version that is dubbed in English. Upon first hearing this, the rest of the class (much to my dismay, but not to my surprise) sort of sighs. I, on the other hand, am doing imaginary cartwheels in my head (ONE HANDED cartwheels, mind you....with merry music in the background. And angels! Singing!) because what could be better than a movie that I can actually understand?? AND, no less, it will give me a chance to actually understand the 40 page story that I just spent 3 weeks translating and yet, somehow, got nothing out of.

Haha, it was a great day. You thought there was more to this story didn't you? Well, no. There isn't. But the movie's dubbing was really funny and yes, these lines were actually included in the dialogue:

"The crapper broke! I fell in! I am choking in a pile of shit!"

"Praise the Lord these turds have turned to gold!"

-"Up yours, thief"
-"Yeah, up his!"

Scratch the bio major, maybe dubbing is my calling. Hayley Whit-ay. Dubber.

(Nevermind, that sounds like "dumber" with a cold....I'll stick to the science)

Headline: Biology Insults God

Bruce Alberts, author of Essential Cell Biology, 2nd Edition, concerning arguably the most important protein conformation to all living organisms:

"A helix is an unexceptional regular structure"

In your face, God. Creator of life and all of its functions--psh, give us something special.

Yikes, Sorry!

Well, it's been a long while, which probably means that no one is reading this anymore. Haha, sorry guys.... I had all of these brilliant excuses flashing through my mind just now, but I'll spare you the graphic tales of giant diamonds and exploding Ford F-250's. But anyway, life is good!

Here's the breakdown on my new classes, in the order in which they appear each and every awesome, lovely week (in case you care, if not: you might want to switch to facebook)

1. Organic Chemistry II - my love/hate relationship with this class continues. Oh how I missed Crimmins and his precious green laser pointer. Proton goes on, proton goes off, proton goes on, proton goes off, proton goes on, proton goes off, proton goes on, proton goes off, proton goes on, proton goes off, proton goes on, proton goes off, proton goes on, proton goes off, proton goes on, proton goes off... if you're not in the class that is probably annoying. If you're IN the class though....yep still annoying, just making sure you were paying attention!

2. Biology 52 - yet another biology class to remind me that yes, indeed I DID take AP Bio in high school, hence why every single tidbit of info we learn sounds not only familiar from THAT class, but also from Biol 50 and Biol 54. Chalk one up for academic inefficiency. Teacher = good though, I'm trying to be less cynical. (Is it working?)

3. Italian 4 - If I am not bottom of the barrel in this class, then there must be some deaf mute with both hands chopped off (and thus negating the need for Braille) sitting somewhere in the back that I haven't seen yet. Yes, it's that bad. It takes me 45 minutes to translate a page of 14-pt font "Easy Reader" text. Easy Reader my arm, that stuff is hard. It's good to know I'm consistent though, seeing as my favorite Italian phrase hasn't changed since Italian 1: "Non lo so". Yeah you guessed it, "I don't know (so stop bugging me and let me continue my comfortable classroom role of slouching, looking busy, flashing frantic glances of confusion at everyone else in the class, and mumbling "mamma mia" under my breath.)"

4. Policy 161. My first policy class. Over 100. Do I need to continue? Just kidding, I'm a budding dramatist. Budding haha, so many biology jokes there. (Jaime, I'm totally relying on you here, pity laughs appreciated from the rest of you). It's about health care and politics and is taught by the most awesome, and awesomely brilliant professor. He's a goof and completely obsessed with 24 and Carrburritos. This, coupled with the fact that he just totally told off 2 drug company reps and an insurance company guru make him an idol of mine. And we get to read "Mama Might Be Better Off Dead", which is a real uplifting point in my day.

5. Chem 41 lab (analytical). Yet to be determined, though I'm sure there will be many stories.... this includes one of those times (last semester) when I just thought it would be a great idea to drop the analytical lab. Now I must pay.

6. Biology 52 recitation. My TA comes in (5 minutes late and about 2 minutes after I started pondering whether to start up a game of biology hangman...no for reals, my first one was going to be "alpha helix") and the first thing he does is to announce himself as a grad student and say, "the only thing that separates me and you is a few years of classes, so if you pay attention in lecture and I don't, you'll be able to explain it to me better than vice versa." He then proceeded to tell us that he would, in fact, answer his cell phone in class if it rang, made up some stuff about biology, and let us out early. I checked out about 10 minutes in and dwelled on how awesome biology hangman would have been. Why don't I seize these opportunities?

7. Chem 62 lab (organic). Also yet to be determined. I spent in inordinate amount of money on this class. I'll be so mad if I break my lab goggles before the semester's up. I'll try to give you guys a heads up if that happens...wouldn't want you to have to experience that ugly, ugly side of me. Those things are like 7 bucks. And there's no use in trying to save my eyelashes now.

8. Oral Communications 9. I think that I really dislike this class. I forgot to go the first week, whoops. The teacher is really cool and Turkish, but I repeat myself. We read a stupid article that was on the silliest thing, I would get into it but that would exacerbate the silliness. That's NOT how I roll. We proceeded to talk about the article for 5 minutes and spend the rest of the hour and 15 minutes discussing the importance of national identity or lack thereof. If I said people repeated themselves it would be a gross understatement of the truth and if I said that the room was full of ignorant, spoiled, self-important pricks it would be...... too true. Sad. But some good points. And some better facial expressions from my good pal JP from across the room. One kind of said, "huh?" and another, "are you stupid?" and another, "wow this class sucks" and yet another, "why are McDonald's and Britney Spears the only intelligent symbols that we can come up with to discuss American identity?!?"


Alas, it's a good solid 15/16 credit week. If someone actually wants to total that up for me, that'd be great. But it's working out for now! Though the story may change once labs start :) Thanks for reading guys, as usual-- peace and Bojangles (sans coupons..)

Random....

Haha, okay so this is just a random comment that I didn't want to forget. Last night, at church on Christmas Eve, the pastor was introducing the candlelit part of the service. There were a few hundred people there and everyone, including the children, has a candle- so it looks really neat once they're all lit. But before we started the flame around, the pastor said, and I quote:

"We're going to pass the candle around now, so if you rely on an oxygen tank to breathe, now would be a good time to turn it off."

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH-- save the old people! Let them keep their oxygen!

:)

I'm Dreaming of a White Christmas...

Okay but this one's NOT just like the ones you used to know. Here are some things about the White's at Christmas that I may have neglected to tell you....

1. We traditionally eat homemade Chinese food for Christmas Eve Dinner because several years ago, my older brother called in to one of those NBC- "Audience Speaks Out" deals that asked what people's Christmas Eve traditions were. While we eat what I call "the food of our ancestors" (HA!) on that night every year, we also remember with a good laugh the man that called in to the same show saying... "Well, I don't have many friends, and not much family...so I pretty much stick to Shake n' Bake." Sad. But funny.

2. We are also always the ushers at the 9pm service at our church on Christmas Eve- ever since I can remember. We get to stand at the doors and hand people bulletins and candles (one part of the service is candlelit). One year, a man who we will call BM rejected, yes- REJECTED, my older brother's offer of a candle. He and I were so stunned and we made it into this funny inside joke. But THEN, a few years later, said BM left the church with another member after they were caught up in a huge local scandal. HA. Should've taken that candle dude.

3. Last year I hung up 80+ individually cut and painted paper snowflakes all around my house really late/early before everyone woke up. Yeah, I'm pretty much the favorite child. It doesn't hurt to get in good with Santa either.

4. It's a season of family togetherness, but in this household the little bro is still the funny one. Note, while decorating the tree...
C: Hey Hayley, you know why there are no red lights on this tree?
Me: Uh, why?
C: BECAUSE RED IS THE COLOR OF COMMUNISM
Yeah, this is the same kid who got 11 frisbees and a toy that shocks you on purpose for Christmas.

5. I remember one year when my little brother opened like 4 of my presents on accident. I was really upset, I think I cried. Don't judge me.

6. Every year each kid gets socks and underwear in boxes suspiciously labelled "from Tess", our dog. This year I got a whole tube full of it. Good times.

7. Also every year for at least a few years, my dad's work sends him/us a Christmas "gift" of, are you ready for this? A GIANT box of Usinger sausage and cheese. You guys, I'm not kidding. Though it works out nicely because, circa New Years, I am so sick of sausage that making a New Year's resolution is easssssssy. NO MORE SAUSAGE FOR A YEAR.

8. We make the same kind of cookies every year and decorate them as a sort of family tradition. Well this year all of our creativity ceased all at once and the 3 of us kids and my friend decided to cut our losses and decorate the rest of the cookies as flags of the world. I think my little bro's Canadian moose and my older brother's mountain of icing that was a Brazilian Santa were the clear winners and, well, my attempt at a Great British Star was announced dead at approximately 8:07 on the evening of December 21st.

9. We can't escape Christmas without at least ONE picture of SOMEone wearing a bundle of ribbons on his or her head. It hasn't been me for a while...

10. To keep my dog entertained on Christmas morning (she gets jealous of all the present-opening and runs around the house like a malfunctioning robot on Tang) we always get her a gigantic bone. Gigantic = 4 feet or so in length. This is really great fun for her. And for us, as we get to see her swing it around, taking out any vulnerable object standing upright within a 20 foot perimeter. And then she chews it till her gums bleed and we all take lots of pictures.

11. It just wouldn't be Christmas at the White House without Legos. Every year the boys get some sort of Lego. This year it was Dino Attack and it's already built. Sweet.

12. It used to be that the kids would wake up really early and wait, like good little children, until at least 6 or 7am to blare Christmas music to wake the folks. Now the parents have to wake up the kids and remind them that it's Christmas and tell them that Santa came. I was the last one up today around 9am, a perfectly reasonable hour.

13. We still listen to the Raffi Christmas Album.

14. Our other traditional music selections? The Chipmunks, Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, and some random Jackson Browne, Ska, and "flashback to Hayley's freshman year of HS" mixes that, for one reason or another, are in the CD mix and we're too lazy to get up and change the music.

15. My aunt always sends really funny gifts to the boys. This year, my little bro got a Napolean Dynamite calendar as my older bro opened his Swimsuit Model calendar.

16. Okay, I admit it. We have some ugly ornaments. Really, the only ugly ones are these obsure pink violins/cellos/violas- of which we have about a dozen. My mom tries to get rid of them every year but the kids always triumph and get every last one on that tree. It's mostly the little bro that spearheads this effort, and it was he (not surprisingly) who, this year, snuck a rubber shrunken head on a string (Halloween decoration) onto the back of the tree. PLEASANT, let me tell ya.

17. The best part of Christmas? We have a humongous turkey with all the fixin's AND a honey-baked ham for dinner (yes, there are only 5 of us), pies for dessert and then, after dinner, we open our stockings. Then Christmas is over!

Merry Christmas!

Finals Week Makes Me Sad

2 things about finals week really made me sad this year (well, outside the tests...):

1. I realized that if someone sneezes, while taking a major exam, they are probably going to Hell. Okay, maybe not that extreme...but they're definitely not blessed! During all of my tests I would hear people sneeze and, unlike your ordinary cordial day at this prestigious southern university, absolutely NO one would say "bless you". I figure it's because people don't want the teachers to think they're cheating? Or maybe the phenomenon is just isolated in huge science classes (which were my observation pools), so maybe I'm just crazy. But I'm still sad.

2. I told this next one to some people and their sad reactions made me even sadder. Walking to my 8 am Italian 3 final in Hanes Art Center, I had to walk up the more than slightly inclined path between Phillips and Memorial Hall. It was a super cruddy day outside- cold, raining, foggy, and dark with a sense of lingering despair hanging over all of our exams. (okay, so I'm a dramatist.) The path was iced over which, though I was struggling up it, put me in a rather jovial mood as I got to watch many of my coffee-clutching colleagues sliding down it. I know, I'm horrible. (But I knew I'd get mine as soon as I saw that Italian exam). THEN, my mood was drastically changed. For there, in the middle of the icy path, was a large puddle. And, soaking in the large puddle, was scattered the remnants of someone's neatly-made notecards. Obviously someone had been frantically trying to stuff yet some more frivolous knowledge into his or her head on the way to a monstrous exam (weren't we all?) and fell on the ice, scattering the flashcards. And here the cards were, soaking in cold brick-y water, their colored words draining from the paper. I got really sad. And then moved on.

Study Lounge Madness

Hayley: How's the studying going in here guys?
Lauren: I wish I was dead.
Kellie: I wish I had a gun.
Lauren: I wish she had a gun.

Finals week brings out the best in people...

SHS: Student Health Sketchiness

My eye hurt. My eye hurt real bad. So I went to the James A. Taylor Student Health Services Center like any self-respecting college student that doesn't need to be blind on top of stressed for finals week. I think that was pretty responsible of me! But alas I got Dr. T. (Ummmm you could probably figure out his real name from the website....) I think the following quotes of conversation speak volumes about my experiences in Clinic II today.

"Where are you from?"
--Colorado
"Oh! I'm a High Sierra's man myself!"
--Oh, I thought that was California
"It is." (Points to a picture of a generic mountain scene. Needless to say, awkward pause)

"Here, get down from the table, sit in this chair. That's why it's here. We can see eye to eye...haha that's ironic! Hahaha, do you get it?" (yes, idiot....)

"Wait! Let me go get my laptop- that's right, I'm wireless!"
Upon returning with a laptop with a huge plastic sign saying "DO NOT USE" on the top...
"Aren't you lucky? You get the only doctor to have everything they need on this little computer!" (people perceive luck differently doctor...)

"I'm going to go get my otoscope, it's waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better"

"Oh! You're photophobic! Excellent!" (I mean, that sounds awesome)

He shines a bright light into my eye and it is watering uncontrollably so I say "I'm not crying, I promise!" to which he replies...
-"It's okay, I tend to do that to women"

"Do you sleep with contacts in?"
--No
"Good! Oh wow Hayley, that's great. You're doing really well. You're getting all the right answers!"

Entering his office...
"This is my home, that's why I decorate it. Here, sit on my couch."

“I’m a doc and I teach. I’m adjunct. Adjunct, haha.”

"Take a business card so you can email me. Because you can't call me, I don't have a phone. (ummm aren't you a DOCTOR?!?!) I feel my communication is flanked if I have a phone AND a computer." (Okay then he blabbed on about a lot of medical stuff but I spent most of the rest of the time debating with myself as to whether flanked is a real word and, if so, did he use it in the right way?)

"Stress inhibits your immune system, did you know that?"
--Yeah, I guess I've heard that
"You need to meditate"

"I like to tell people that to get to the pharmacy, you go to the stairs, walk down, and it's on your right. It's easiest that way." (actually, that's just where the pharmacy is, dude...)

"If you ever come back you should suggest me. You get better care from one provider. You make better relationships" (*WINK*)



Okay weirdo. Peace. OUT.